After weeks of fighting myself to write this i have come to the realization that there is no getting around it. I am well aware of my emotions, and can recognize patterns. Logic paints a clear picture that my emotions, no matter how much i try, cannot blurr grey that which is black and white. I am attracted to women who are unavailable. In one way or the other, no matter the race or ethnicity or even demographic, at the end of the day all women i have had any kind of romantic interest in is unavailable in one way or another.
Beautiful young mexican girl came into my life, showed me its ok to be spontaneous and just say “fuck it” sometimes. Laying in my lap she would kiss me, with eyes and cheeks that would make the the sourest of us smile, she told warned me she was no good, scared of being abandoned again, pain which she suffered through her father. Run far away from me she told me, i didn’t listen. Things went great for a while, then suddenly, without explanation or causation, as quickly as she came into my life, she left it.
To go into detail of all my accounts would require time which i don not have nor care to find, to do so would require picking at old scars. Granted, they aren’t as many as one might think, or maybe it’s more than what you thought me capable of, I neither know nor care which way you see it.
The matter at hand is the now, the current pain, confusion, anger, and frustration i find myself in. Why must i always play the role of your fool? Constantly waiting on you, your silence is supplemented with lines of my own in my head, troublesome and negative words that would make Edgar Allen Poe jealous. Over thinking creates problems that do not exist this i know, yet how does one deal with silence. Rejection i can take, everyone from Sir Lancelot to James Bond has heard the word no before, we cannot all be Dorian Gray. Oh but you kill me, when you wrap yourself in my arms, head rested on my chest, I turn your face to kiss you. But when i leave the warmth and serenity of your bed, I no longer exist to you, and what hurts the most is that I know it’s not a one night and done type of issue, it’s something i simply can’t fathom . It’s unfair that so early on you told me, how you don’t do well with people, and that girls and boys say “ that’s why you’re always going to be alone”, I’m not one to run away so easily and against better judgement tend to stick around because I’m too nice someone told me. But when i look at you i see all that can be, not the flaws, i see the good inside of you, I see a yearning to be loved, and burning inside of me has always been a desire to just love people. I’m not one who believes in soul mates, the idea of there only being one other person who can complete us is ludicrous. That being said, actually not sure anymore where that was heading, point of the matter is, I know that my current position on my life journey, doesn’t allow much opportunity to find my lover, doesn’t mean there can’t be love in my life.
As much as one side of me tells me not to let you keep me up at night writing this shit, feeling this way, because I’m leaving come fall. With your communication skills or lack there of, combined with my new environment, in time you will be pushed to the storage of my memories, all that will be left is memory of emotion to which remember a beautiful night spent together, or nights if the universe would be so kind. Still the other half is optimistic and full of promise of what these next few months can be. And the gears are already turning, working on making what can be a reality, just give me that green light and I swear to you, you will remember me.
seeing a hot stranger in public is a blessing
seeing the same hot stranger in public again is a sign
Read it over.
Let those words resonate in your mind.
having a crush is painful and horrible but not having a crush is just so boring